Positively Positive

Good Morning Bleeps.

Yesterday was a bad day. I was super sad because my family left to go home to Florida and as always it hit me like a ton of bricks how far away they all are. Thankfully in these modern times of the internet (Facebook) I am able to speak to them most days but it isn't the same as being able to get/give that important hug on a down day, is it?

Thankfully my Sister and Mum are coming back at the end of next month as we have another family wedding to attend so that is something positive to focus on.

My legs were really bad yesterday. I mean REALLY bad and it makes me feel a bit worried. Lots of "what ifs" whirl around my mind but really what is the point of torturing myself with "maybes" because it might never happen. It hurts to walk right now but that doesn't mean that it is going to stay like this or (God forbid) get worse, does it? I have to keep thinking and believing that tomorrow I will wake up and the pain has gone again. Maybe I just over did it a bit with having company here and being out of my normal routine. I will try to rest a little more over the next few days and keep my fingers crossed that they start to feel better again.

I actually need them to feel better sooner rather than later because I have been eating like a pig over the last two weeks. I blame my sister (ha ha) and her love of English cuisine. Whenever she comes "home" she wants to eat all of the foods that she misses from her homeland. You know, the British greats like curry, biscuits and sausage rolls! It would have been rude to not join her, right?

Well I also have a love of dresses by The Pretty Dress Company (the dress that I was wearing in the photo in yesterday's blog was the Hourglass in Blush Pink). These beautiful creations are very figure hugging and I have the Red Wonder to get into for the next wedding. The problem I have is that with the leg pains I cant exactly get my fat ass back to the gym right now to burn off the sausage roll & pork pie calories that I consumed recently. I NEED my legs to stop hurting so that I can at least get in the pool or do some yoga/pilates. At the moment I am hurting to walk. Grrr!!!

I did get some messages after yesterday's blog from people telling me that sometimes they also wallow in a bit of self pity and that it is normal and OK to feel like that. I was comforted and felt less guilty reading those. I also got a couple of "keep positive" messages, which I know were meant to help but you know when you aren't feeling very positive it can be the last thing you want to hear, you know? I want to slap my forehead sarcastically and say "ooooh, stay positive? Why on earth didn't I think of that?"

I know people mean well  but just because someone is having a bad day/week/month, it doesn't mean they are negative or giving up. It just means it is a bad day/week/month and that is OK! OK?! If you are feeling low or in pain and want to lay in bed feeling sorry for yourself today then go for it, you totally have the right. Living in a body that hurts most of the time GIVES you that right and if someone tells you to "look on the bright side" or "keep your chin up" or my FAVOURITE "there are others worse off" then you have my permission to tell them to shove their heads up their bums - positively ;)

I have had some MSers tell me how they don't let it get them down, they stay positive all of the time etc. and I think that is amazing, I admire them so much and I wish I knew how to get there but sometimes (like yesterday) I just want to throw a little tantrum like a two year old about how it is not fair. Thankfully that isnt very often and I am able to keep on smiling.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Still Here ... Just!

Good Morning Bleeps :)

I got a Facebook message from somebody asking if I was ok as I hadn't blogged for quite a while. Well, here I am my friends, still smiling - just!

I have had my lovely Sister, my wonderful Mum, my Nephew and Niece over for a couple of weeks from Florida. It feels like just yesterday that I was jumping up and down with excitiment as their taxi pulled up outside and this morning I waved them goodbye as I stood in floods of tears by the front door. I HATE living so far away from my family.

The first weekend they were here we travelled North to Liverpool for a family wedding. It was a lovely day and we drank and danced the night away. This is me with my Sister & Mum.

We had a journey from hell back down south the next day but then one could argue that we were complete morons for taking a train on a Sunday AND on the day of the Jubilee. It was pouring rain, none of us had coats, we got sent from coaches to trains as everything was disrupted and then just when we arrived back in Ashford and thought the nightmare was over, we realised we had left the backpack on the train with the CAR KEYS in it.

Nightmare! We got home in taxis and thankfully the bag was found and we were able to collect it the following day. We are able to laugh about it now but at the time we were all tired, cold and it nearly sent us all over the edge.

I have been dealing with a LOT of personal stress lately and I think that is why I am really struggling the last few days. I can really feel a difference in my legs lately and it freaks me out a little bit to be honest. I want to stay positive but the days of pain seem to be getting more and more. My legs ache to the bone, like growing pains but MUCH worse and they feel heavy. It is such an effort to stand up or to walk. I feel like such a drag, like a moany old cow bag and I dont like to feel like that. It isn't who I am!

Last week the wedding was amazing and I felt GREAT. I danced, I laughed and I didn't feel one ounce of how I feel now. Part of me thinks that I need to just be grateful for those great times and I AM but I am resentful and frustrated that it would seem that I then have to "pay up" for the good times. I don't want to always be in debt to my body but really, that is how I feel. A couple of days of fun = a couple of weeks of pain and exhaustion.

You see this is why I haven't been blogging. I don't want to be constantly complaining as I know I need to stay positive and enjoy the good days, roll with the bad ones etc. I KNOW this, I am not stupid and I AM grateful but lately I have felt so low whenever I think that this might be it, how it is going to be ... forever. How bloody bleak!

I also know that there are people out there a lot more flipping worse off than me so then I feel guilty for even moaning. It's all a bit crap and I feel like I am stuck on a hamster wheel of self pity and maybe even a touch of depression. Yuck! How do I get off?

People have been asking where I am at with the tests, results, appointments and such. I have had my CT scan of my chest and abdominals (with contrast), which was easy peasy compared to other tests. I have had more MRIs (with contrast also) of my brain, neck and spine. I have my next appointment with my cardiologist in August, a mere SIX months after returning the heart monitor that I was required to wear for a week (back in Feb). I guess I have to just assume (or hope?) that these ongoing chest pains aren't going to kill me in the meantime.

I don't even have a follow-up appointment for my Neuro yet but to be honest I am past the point of caring now. I have an appointment to see a Urologist in early July to see about this duff little kidney of mine but again, I am sort of apathetic about it all now. I have lost interest in the NHS and Doctors because to be honest I feel like they have no interest in me or my symptoms. I have reached my "bollocks to you all" point I think. It isn't like an official label of what is wrong with me is going to change my life or my symptoms. Does it really matter?

So enough about me, how are YOU?