Breaking Point

Good Morning Bleeps.

Do you ever think about your breaking point? How much can one person take before they can't take any more? I can't stop crying this morning so my guess is that I am close.

I can honestly say that the last few days have pushed me pretty close to, if not over, the edge. I can't go into detail because as much as I like to share MY life, the things that have happened involve other people and I won't betray their privacy. It is suffice to say that the stress from outside sources have me at my breaking point. I know that people around me see this strong woman, someone who cracks a joke and has it all held together but let me just say that I am a flipping good actress because that is NOT how I feel on the inside.

I feel like crap today. Actually I feel like crap every day. This invisible monster with no name grinds me down on a daily basis. I am so bloody tired. My legs are like lead weights, my face is numb, I am dizzy, I have pressure in my head, tingles all over and the list goes on and on. I ignore it and get on with it the best I can but it is like a constant torture that never lets up. For most people this would be enough but for some sick, twisted reason the Universe keeps throwing more at me to deal with.

I had another sleepless night as the accumulation of everything that is going on with me was running through my mind and it occurred to me that I can't save everyone. I can't fix every single situation and I can't please everybody. I like to think that I am "there" for people, that I offer support when needed but I am thinking that sometimes I give too much of myself away.

I have too let go of some of the situations in my personal life that I can't control or "fix" because it is having an affect on my health. I feel more than just "down" and I am self medicating every evening with wine. I need to let some of this stuff go. I have to stop banging my head against this wall and start putting my health (physical and emotional) first.

They say that symptoms flare if you get stressed - no shit! My body is going mental today. All of my symptoms are magnified and I have just had yet another emotional meltdown. My poor daughter Kassidy is so lovely but because she is the last one to leave in the morning, she seems to always be the one who has to see me cry. I feel bad about that. No child (even if she is technically an adult now) should have to see their mother cry so often.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Another "Ologist"

Good Morning Bleeps.

If you caught my blog yesterday you will know I was scheduled for an ultrasound of my abdominal area. I have been having right side pain that radiates to my back for ages now and I was worried it might be my gallbladder. Thankfully my GP was a good listener and referred me for a scan. Well, the good news is that the pain is not being caused by gallstones and my liver is nice and normal (that was a bit of a surprise but I'll definitely drink to that!) but it looks like my right kidney is being even naughtier than usual.

I was diagnosed with a "dodgy" kidney about 14 years ago. When I was pregnant with Madeleine (who is now 15) my Doctor didn't like the protein levels in my pee (eewww!!) every time I was there for a checkup. He sent me to a renal specialist and they did a bunch of tests (after my chick was born) and it was discovered that my right kidney was a shrivelled up little runt and was functioning at just over the level where they remove it. I think if it works at 25% they leave it in and if my very bad memory serves me correctly it was functioning in the high 20s somewhere.

My ultrasound yesterday revealed that it is super small and she feel that is what is causing my pain. She suggested that I am referred back to the renal specialist. Insert sarcasm here: Brilliant!

If it was only just above the functioning level back then (and it wasn't causing pain) and we are now 15 years on and it is now waking me up at night, does that mean it has deteriorated? If what is affecting my body is not MS and it turns out to be Lupus then it would sort of answer this question as Lupus can affect the kidneys (it is quite a common symptom apparently). I feel absolutely rung out both physically and emotionally.

I did read up on it and if you have a kidney that is duff it can affect blood pressure (mine is high), make you feel nauseous (often am) as well as causing a bitter/metallic taste in the mouth (get this a lot, that is why I wondered about my gallbladder). It also can cause itching and I am always itchy - I was putting that down to my nerves with whatever is going on the "is it or is it not MS" thing.

Honestly bleeps, I want to just curl up into a ball and not move. I am already under the Neurologist (obviously) as well as a Cardiologist for my chest pain/palpitations etc. Another specialist now? I don't even know what kind of "ologist" a renal Doctor is? I do know that I need this like a flipping hole in the head.

I have been awake since 1.30am with so much crap whirling around in my mind - surely everyone has their breaking point right? I was supposed to be going to Pilates this morning but there is no way I can face that today. I have work to do and a lot of emotional crap to try to process. I think I am going to have to blast a bit of Daughtry (my FAVE band ever!) and get stuck into this brochure job. I need to put my health issues and personal problems to one side for today because I am on the verge of losing my mind!

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Happy Hump Day

Good Morning Bleeps.

How are you today? Today I am back to the hospital (I know, right?!) I should be getting a loyalty card or something by now. Free parking would be a start since it costs a bloody fortune.

I am having my abdominal ultrasound because I have this pain on my right side that I am concerned about. It hasn't been as bad the last few days (touch wood) so I am hoping it isn't anything to worry about. Even though my liver function blood tests came back normal I always worry that my liver is in trouble because let's face it, by most people's standards I probably over indulge in the liquid grapes. I wonder if when they look inside of my abdomen, my liver will be in a jar like most other pickled items are? I doubt they will tell me anything today but it will be another thing I can cross off the list (hopefully).

I am dizzy today, I am tingly and my face is numb. I have symptoms every single day at the moment and sometimes it just really pisses me off. It would be nice to wake up just ONE day and feel good, you know? Especially because I want to exercise! Still, I just called the gum and the Body Balance class today is full (booooo) so maybe my Pilates DVD at home today instead.

I have ordered this dress for a wedding and I only have two weeks to get my body ready - I am already feeling better from the body balance (a combo of Yoga, Pilates and Tai Chi). Maybe it is psychological but I feel like I am already walking with better posture. Yesterday was a bad food day though, nothing all day and then a curry for dinner (and wine of course). I have been trying so hard to lose weight but for some reason it just isnt shifting. To be fair, I am only 4lbs heavier than I like to be (I know, that is a bit mental to worry about 4lbs) but it just wont go. Very frustrating when you are trying so hard to lose it. Might need to wear some Bridget Jones pants - oooo sexy!!

I hope you all have a very happy hump day. All down hill now to the weekend.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

The Journey Continues ...

Good Morning Bleeps.

I haven't really felt much like blogging lately as you may have noticed. I was building up to last Thursday (12th) with such high hopes of answers and sadly it was not to be. In fact, I left the appointment with nothing ruled out and just more possibilities added to the list.

I think maybe I am destined to live in limbo land forever. My Lumbar Puncture came back negative so my Neurologist wants to run more tests. He pulled up the pictures of my brain MRI and pointed out the small white plaques on my brain, which he said he isn't really worried about but then there is a big one right next to some lobe or other that he doesn't like the look of. He said he isn't ruling out MS but wants to do an MRI with contrast, a CT scan of my chest and a load more blood tests. I am starting to feel like a bit of a lab rat and also more than a bit sad.

Yesterday was what I would call a bad day. Dizziness, numb face, numb thigh, blood like iced water, vision all squiffy and exhausted. I sat on the sofa thinking "WTF is going on in my body and why is it so flipping hard for a Doctor to figure it out?!"

I have had many people write to me and tell me how they were in limbo for years, what I depressing thought. In some ways I am extremely grateful to my Neurologist. After all, he could just "rubber stamp" me as an MS patient and tell me to have a nice life. He said he doesn't want to stop looking, just in case. I respect him for that, even as frustrated as I am, he is doing his best to get me my answer.

He said he isn't "worried" about my symptoms (I hate when he says that) and I do get when he means. I don't have symptoms that will kill me (although when the chest pains hit I do sometimes worry about dropping dead of a heart attack) but like I said to him, even though my symptoms might not be life threatening, they are affecting my life every single day.

I am unable to take on photography work as I don't know from day-to-day if I will be able to drive or if I will be too dizzy or fatigued. What can he do though? What did I expect from him? From a medical point of view he is doing what he can do. I have to find a way to make peace with my current situation and just ride the ride.

Leading up to my appointment I had lots of good luck wishes, which was so lovely and so appreciated. A couple of my friends told me to "put it in God's hands" and trust "His" plan. Now, I have a confession; I am NOT religious. I am not even sure that I believe in God. I struggle with it because I WANT to. I really do but I just don't know if I do. I am on the fence. I wouldn't say I am an atheist but I am not convinced either. I do believe in fate. I do think that everything happens for a reason.

As I sat in the office and my Neuro started talking about lobes and the biology of the brain, my gaze wandered out of the window and I found myself asking "what am I here for? why is this happening?"

Who I was asking I don't know really. God? Myself? The Universe?

If it wasn't for that brain MRI I would be starting to think it was all in my head and that I am going mad. Maybe I am not meant to find out, maybe this is my fated path. Maybe I am supposed to just blog and share, to reach out and maybe touch people that could possibly be in a similar place, so that they know they are not alone.

Over the last few months I have made some really good friends, people that I know I will have in my life forever. If it hadn't have been for getting sick and starting my blog this would never have happened. Maybe this is the answer to my question of "why?"

I left the appointment feeling so very sad. Phil had arranged to take Megan to Karate so I had the house to myself. I poured myself a large glass of white wine and had a bloody good cry. I felt so sad and so lonely. I had put so much of my energy into that appointment and it was such an anti-climax when I left, still none the wiser and waiting for more letters for yet more tests and appointments.

I am exhausted both mentally and physically but I will just have to keep my chin up and get on with it. I don't really have much choice do I?

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Two More Sleeps

Good Morning Bleeps.

I took my first body balance class on Saturday, which went really well. It is a combination of Yoga, Pilates and Tai Chi. I was surprised how hard it was actually and my muscles have been quite sore over the last couple of days in that nice "worked out" way.

I hope you all had a lovely Easter (or weekend if you don't celebrate Easter). Mine was quite low-key, the kids of course had lots of chocolate and we had a family dinner with turkey and all the trimmings.

The girls had their usual egg hunt, which I wasn't going to do this year as I thought they were too old for it. I mentioned to Phil that I wasn't going to do it and he said "OK" but with a face that said "big, fat meanie" so I felt bad and did it anyway.  The girls, of course, loved it. Funny how kids think they are so grown up until the holidays come and they still want to hold on to their childhood traditions. Either that or it is just an excuse to get even more chocolate, can't blame them for that!

Yesterday was a bank holiday here in England and so quite predictably, the weather sucked. It always seems to happen. Holiday Monday = pouring rain. It actually didn't bother me too much because I felt awful and so it sort of forced us to stay home. I am used to the left side of my face going numb but yesterday my whole face was numb, including my tongue, lips and right down on to my neck. I felt like I was wearing a mask. I also felt dizzy, my eyes were cloudy/floggy and I had electrical zaps in my fingers and toes.

The kids (and Phil) played the WII for a few hours so I just sat and read my Kindle (I am loving the second book in the Hunger Games series right now) and tried to put my symptoms out of my mind. I cooked a hotpot with the left over turkey, which turned out yummy. I also baked a loaf of bread. I briefly mentioned my numb face to Phil but other than that I don't think anyone in the house was aware of how crummy I was feeling. I think I pulled it off OK.

Sometimes I wish one of my MSer friends lived here so that when I have a day like yesterday (and it would seem that today is going to be the same as my face is numb and I am dizzy) I could have a bloody good moan to someone and not feel guilty. I don't like to talk about my really bad days now, like I said I did mention to Phil that my face felt horrible and mask-like but that was it. I didn't go into detail and although there were moments when I wanted to let the tears flow, I held it together. Nobody has said or done anything to make me feel like I can't talk about it, it is just that I feel a sense of boredom from people when I do. It might be something that I am imagining but it just a gut feeling, I wonder if other people with chronic illnesses feel like this? Like a boring scratched record?

I don't mean that in a self-pitying "poor me" sort of way at all. It is what it is, I can't change it (whatever "it" is) and I certainly can't control or help it. It is just something that makes me think sometimes, usually on a day like today, when my symptoms seem to be running wild.

I only have two more "sleeps" as my kids would say until I go to the Neuro to get the results of my Lumbar Puncture and spine MRI. I had my original appointment at 12.45pm but got a letter the other day to let me know they have changed my appointment time to 4.45pm. I thought to myself  "bloody hell, like I haven't waited two months already, now I have to wait another four hours". Silly I know because it is just a few hours more but I already feel like I have waited a million years and I just want to know. I have gone back to being an insomniac over the last week and I am sure it is because my mind is racing and my stomach is in knots over the whole thing.

What if they are negative and he isn't happy to give me an official diagnosis (again)? Will I just stay as the "The Girl with the Abnormal Brain Scan?" Not quite as cool as "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is it? I do have a Tinkerbell tattoo so maybe I could just be "The Girl with the Tinkerbell Tattoo and Lesiony Brain". Hmm ... thinking that won't be a best-seller either!

Limbo sucks! I am just trying to keep my quickly fading humour about it all.

Anyway, the kids are still off school and I have a brochure to work on so I think Phil is going to take them to the cinema later. I will try and keep myself busy because I am going to pretend I don't feel like crap and just try to get through the next couple of days without going mad.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Floating in Denial

Good Morning Bleeps.

What a crap night. I woke up at 3am and that was it, wide awake. Insomnia sucks, doesn't it? I think the worst part for me is laying there in the dark and quiet because my mind starts racing with all the things I am stressed about, right now that is a LOT.

It occurred to me last night that I have been floating down that great Egyptian river - denial!

When I went in for my brain MRI results in December I was fully expecting to be told that there was nothing abnormal to see. After all, when my Neuro thought I had MS when I was in my 20's that is exactly what did happen. I had all sorts of tests leading up to the MRI back then. One was with electrodes all over my body testing my muscles responses to electrical currents and another where the Doc put hot and cold on my shoulder blades, asking me to tell him what I could feel. Those tests were enough for him to send me for the MRI but it was clear.

When my Neuro's secretary called me in December saying the Doctor wanted to see me to discuss my results I just thought it was to put my mind at rest. That was not the case, in fact he showed me all of the white matter on my brain and told me that yes in fact, there were lesions and this was MS.

I was OK with the diagnosis, almost relieved I suppose. Sure I had some up and down moments as you would expect. I was joking about it one minute and crying the next but I was able to take it on board. When I went to see him on the NHS in January (because I was a private patient up until then) as many of you know, he changed my diagnosis back to "probable MS" pending more tests.

I think somewhere between January and now, on some level, I have convinced myself that I do NOT have MS. I have been consumed thinking about the "next step". My mind has been going along the lines of "when I get the negative results next week then I will go back to the GP ... blah blah blah".

It hit me last night that I don't actually know what he will say or what my results are. I have just been assuming. I have been fully expecting the Lumbar Puncture to be clear as well as the spine MRI. I reminded myself last night that I thought that in December too with my brain MRI and it wasn't the case.

What if I go next Thursday and he says that the other tests confirm his original diagnosis? That thought hasn't really been occurring to me, but it would seem that the reality of it has hit me.

I was laying in bed with that feeling of adrenaline rushing through my body, that panic feeling that you get when you think of something awful happening. I haven't felt like this up until now and maybe that is just the body's way of protecting itself. After all, I have had to wait for two months for these results and if I had felt this fear for all that time then surely by now I would have gone completely bonkers.

I really thought I had made my peace with this but actually I haven't at all. If he confirms it is MS then I am going to be a mess. If he tells me it is negative and I am back in limbo I am going to be a mess. Basically I am already a bloody mess. Sure on the outside I am holding it together but if you were to slice me open there are thousands of little Karens running around in circles with their hands in the air, screaming obscenities.

Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

It isn't like it is going to change anything one way or the other. My symptoms aren't going to just disappear one way or the other are they? I don't believe in all of the drugs so I won't be taking any "treatment" other than my vitamins and trying to live somewhat healthy. So, really, does it matter? When I think about it on a conscious level I am able tell myself that it really doesn't. The LABEL doesn't matter or make a difference. On a different level I am shitting my pants. I am genuinely scared and I don't even know why?!

Oh well, one day a time I suppose, my guess is that today is going to be a long one. I wish my sister & my mum lived closer. It is at times like this that I really, REALLY feel the distance between us. It is at times like this when I wish they could just pop over for coffee and give me a hug.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

The Right Direction

Good Morning Bleeps.

How the heck are we all?  I am super-duper tingly today and my face is numb as usual. I  have black floaters in my eyes and the cold pressure is back in my head (on the back left side). I also have this flipping pain in my right side that has been constant for twelve days now.  *sigh*

I have my second yoga class today and I am sitting here thinking HOW? How the heck am I going to get through this class when quite frankly I am struggling to get on and off the toilet with these sore leg muscles from my class on Sunday? Too much information maybe? Oh well, you know me, I do like to share -  ha!

I can hardly move my arms (I can't tell which muscles are hurting most, the biceps or the triceps) so the Sun Salutation should be interesting. In case you don't know what that is, you basically go through a range of movements and one of them involves lowering yourself down (like a push up) and then pushing back up again. Yeah, right! That will be a challenge since lifting my coffee cup is making me feel like a weight lifter today.

The upside is that since I started my diet on Saturday I have already lost a couple of pounds - woohoo! Two down, six to go! I'm definitely heading in the right direction. In fact, I just treated myself and ordered some new fancy undies and a pretty dress to celebrate (that's a good enough excuse for me). Some might say the new lingerie is more of a pressie for Phil (and they would be right haha) but he deserves it for suffering through yoga with me.

Yesterday I told my daughter Kassidy that I had ordered a Yogalates DVD for when I can't get to classes. Her reply was "Mum, you already have that".

"No I don't." I replied.

"Mum, it's in my room. You have it." She answered.

Bugger! That is SO like me. Order a DVD with great intentions, never take it out the wrapper and forget I own it altogether.

I have never actually re-ordered one before though, this was a first.

Luckily there are about eight DVDs in the Yogalates series and the one I ordered (Yogalates for weight loss) is different to the one I forgot I owned, which is Yogalates for Body Toning. Cool, I am building up a collection - might work better if I actually use it though!

I am usually quite good when I set my mind to something although I tend to be an "all or nothing" person. I am either stuffing cheeseburgers and chips or I am starving myself. I am usually the same with exercise too but I need to re-adjust my attitude with Yoga. I have a friend who is a Yoga teacher and she reminded me yesterday that Yoga is a journey, I won't be able to just pop up on to my hands on the first class. The head strong, competitive Leo in me is NOT happy about this but I will have to learn some patience as I build up strength.

I am trying to not think about next week too much. I am sort of dreading getting my results. I have a good friend (Judy) who is also getting her diagnosis on the same day. She has to endure a 90 minute MRI beforehand and then the Doctor will interpret the images for her right there and then, letting her know if it is indeed MS that she is dealing with. In some ways, because she has become such a special friend to me, I feel that we are sharing this journey even though she is on the other side of the globe. I will be mentally holding her hand, as I know she will be mine.

I am not sure what I want to hear - does that sound weird? In one way I want to hear "The lumbar puncture and spine MRI came back clear so it is probably not MS" but another part of me wants an explanation to all of these symptoms. I am also nervous about starting the whole process again. I have been in limbo forever and so the thought of having to start all over is quite depressing. I know I will go back to my GP and he will refer me to a Rheumatologist for Lupus screening but goodness knows how long the waiting list will be and I can't afford to pay private again. I suppose I shouldn't jump the gun but it is hard to not play the "what if" game. All I know is something is going on - I have the brain MRI to prove it. At least it is nice to know it isn't in my head, well, actually it is but you know what I mean.

Anyway, for today I will just concern myself with trying to move like a normal person and not a robot and get through Yoga. I am looking forward to doing something good for my body again. I am hoping that it sort of makes up for all the Pinot Grigio I had last night.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Getting Back To The Gym

Good Morning Bleeps.

I hope you all had a good weekend, I certainly did. We were kid free this weekend so it was just the two of us for most of it, it was like a two-day-long date!

Saturday we went up to Blue Water, which is a lovely big shopping centre here in the South East. We did a little bit of shopping followed by a lovely light lunch of chicken breast with a side salad. I wanted the wild boar burger but I started yet another diet on Saturday because we received our third wedding invitation and it was a wake-up call that I need to get toned up so that I can wear the sort of dresses that I like. I did cheat and have a couple of glasses of wine with lunch but I passed on dessert so surely that just balances it out?!

After lunch we went to watch The Hunger Games.Phil treated us to the the "Gallery", which means you get your own entrance and lovely big, sofa-like seating. You also get chocolates, nachos and muffins, ALL of which I resisted. I know, right?! How good am I?

I am half way through the book and so there was a tiny part of me that was worried about seeing the movie before I had finished reading in case it made me not want to bother but that hasn't at all been the case. I really liked what they did with the film and although I now know how it ends I am still unable to put the book (or in my case, Kindle) down.

Yesterday I did my first ever yoga class. I was so nervous when I woke up, I did my usual symptom inventory list in my head and thankfully I was feeling OK, the only thing bothering me was the side pain and nausea that seems to be with me constantly these days. Phil was going to do it with me (he has done Yoga before) and so I wasn't going by myself, which meant there really wasn't an easy way to back out. I didn't want to back out but I was literally shaking with nerves when I got there. I was also a little worried that the pain might get worse.

I spoke to the teacher and let her know that I am waiting for my official diagnosis and that I didn't know how much I would be able to do. She was great and all through the class kept asking me if I was OK. I managed to keep up and found some of the poses familiar because my old personal trainer used to have me doing some of them. Anyone who thinks that Yoga is easy hasn't been to a class like this, I came out sweaty and my legs shaking as if I had been for a long run. Granted I haven't done any exercise in months but still, she put us through our paces.

My body did sort of rebel in the afternoon, my face went numb and there was an electrical storm raging wild through my limbs. The black floaters in my eyes were plentiful although I can't be sure if this is because I pushed myself hard in the class or if this would have happened anyway. I wasn't about to let it put me off though and called the gym to schedule my next class, which will be tomorrow. The one good thing was that the pain in my stomach/side was gone. Maybe those pain relieving endorphins had worked their magic?

Today I can hardly move, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I am hurting in muscles that I didn't even know I had. Being an ex runner, I am used to feeling this sort of thing in my legs but I never felt such stiffness in my upper body. I am taking this as a good sign that I worked my muscles, they will tone up if they like it or not!

For any of you out there that are in a similar situation as me as far as feeling like you want to do something to increase your fitness but are no longer able to go to the gym, if you are able to find a yoga class near you then try it out. My sister has been recommending it forever (she is a huge Yoga fan and says that doing Yoga got her in the best shape of her life) and so I think she will be pleased for me, I can't wait to tell her about it.

So enough about me, how are YOU?