Do you ever think about your breaking point? How much can one person take before they can't take any more? I can't stop crying this morning so my guess is that I am close.
I can honestly say that the last few days have pushed me pretty close to, if not over, the edge. I can't go into detail because as much as I like to share MY life, the things that have happened involve other people and I won't betray their privacy. It is suffice to say that the stress from outside sources have me at my breaking point. I know that people around me see this strong woman, someone who cracks a joke and has it all held together but let me just say that I am a flipping good actress because that is NOT how I feel on the inside.
I feel like crap today. Actually I feel like crap every day. This invisible monster with no name grinds me down on a daily basis. I am so bloody tired. My legs are like lead weights, my face is numb, I am dizzy, I have pressure in my head, tingles all over and the list goes on and on. I ignore it and get on with it the best I can but it is like a constant torture that never lets up. For most people this would be enough but for some sick, twisted reason the Universe keeps throwing more at me to deal with.I had another sleepless night as the accumulation of everything that is going on with me was running through my mind and it occurred to me that I can't save everyone. I can't fix every single situation and I can't please everybody. I like to think that I am "there" for people, that I offer support when needed but I am thinking that sometimes I give too much of myself away.
I have too let go of some of the situations in my personal life that I can't control or "fix" because it is having an affect on my health. I feel more than just "down" and I am self medicating every evening with wine. I need to let some of this stuff go. I have to stop banging my head against this wall and start putting my health (physical and emotional) first.
They say that symptoms flare if you get stressed - no shit! My body is going mental today. All of my symptoms are magnified and I have just had yet another emotional meltdown. My poor daughter Kassidy is so lovely but because she is the last one to leave in the morning, she seems to always be the one who has to see me cry. I feel bad about that. No child (even if she is technically an adult now) should have to see their mother cry so often.
So enough about me, how are YOU?
hi chuck,sorry your on such a downer,stress feeds 'the beast'and it becomes a vicious circle. there's no easy way to brake that circle ,sometimes you have to put yourself first, its not selfishness its vital that you have your own space now and again.you must learn to let thing go and stop worrying about what you can't control !right thats my soapbox moment over be like a good Chardonnay ,nicely chilled .cliff ;-)x
ReplyDeleteoh karen, i know all about stress , i am going through some personel stress at moment and it is horrible, the beast is at rest at moment with me except for the daily usuals, i actually feel a bit like my old self, the joy of 2 lots of iv steriods still floating about in my system, cliff is right we need to chill and think about our selves. take care xxx
ReplyDeleteKaren,
ReplyDeleteI tend to be the "fixer" in my circle of family and friends as well and it is down-right exhausting sometimes. I've started to pull back from those that refuse to make positive steps to manage or change their behaviors. It was really hard to do, but oddly, they don't seem to notice that I have pulled back. I really wonder if all that I give is even noticed by some of them. Best of luck in figuring out what you will need to do to keep yourself safe, strong and as healthy as possible. Hugs, angie
bless your heart....
ReplyDeletebased on the comments here, it seems like many of us have some personal stress going on right now... as for me, i'm in the same boat. ugh.
like Angie, i have pulled back from those who use me as their "go to" person... i just stopped answering the phone when those calls came in. a voice mail would be left, i would listen and if it was innocuous, i call back... if not, forget it!
we can't afford to be the one who takes on the woes of others anymore. most especially when they don't return the favor. i don't know about you guys, but my support system is not as sturdy as the support i have offered to others.
Karen, when I had my first MS attack the thing I couldnt cope with was the pressure headaches. I cut out dairy and they eased considerably, it helped me then take on other problems. Peter
ReplyDeleteGood morning Karen,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and I pray with all my heart that you get answers soon, so you can get some help that you so desperately need. I can't understand why it's taking them so darn long to come to a conclusion for you. Or why they can't at least start you on somekind of autoimmune therapy just to see if it helps. Hugs, Teresa
Hi Karen,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you're having to deal with so much stress lately. What I did was to tell my family knew that stress was not good for me, and that they shouldn't stress me out. Some members had to be reminded by other family members because they were ALWAYS bringing stress around when they came around. I finally printed up copies of the 'Spoon Theory' to give to my family members so they would 'get it'. That helped a lot. Maybe you should make a few copies of the 'Spoon Theory' and give it to some of your family members. Just a thought.
Hugs to you from WI, USA,
Jessie
Sometimes you just have to take a step back, look around you and at those people in your life and shout "F**K IT!"
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the wine. Sometimes embracing the anger is the only way to fight your way out of the bag that MS is trying to force you into.
I've been where you are - and am often still there - it's tough, it's hard and it's not bloody fair.
Have a cry, stamp your feet and then put the kettle on and tuck the MS monster back into its wormy, skanky, horrible little hole.
And tell everyone else to pack their nonsense in, you are not in the mood.
Good luck.
Sian.
Karen, one of the greatest lessons we hopefully learn along the MS, or any debilitating illness, is that "letting go" is the greatest gift we can give our bodies. However, it is a journey, and many lessons have to come to us when we are ready to receive it. I understand that I have put my body through many flare ups because I hold on to things that ticked me off one day, or that could be a person too. Then there are those friends who I try to offer too much help to, which for me was when I finally realized the problem. There is a great song called "Learn To Let it Go" by the Zac Brown Band. Over the weekend, I can't even remember what it was that bothered me, but I was so irritated I asked my husband "Will you please go play that "let it go" song by Zac Brown Band. All I can say is it must have worked since I can't remember what it was that had me so frustrated, and thus my body loves me so much cause I can feel it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. It is so good to know that someone else understands. I ALWAYS feel like crap, I NEVER fell okay. Every day this disease grinds me down more and more, and sometimes I wonder when I will break. But knowing there is at least one person who really gets it out there helps me to keep on plugging away at this daily grind called life.
ReplyDelete