I don't often admit it but I think today I will be really honest. I am not saying I usually lie, I just sometimes hold some stuff back. I guess that is a defence mechanism isn't it? If you say something out loud then it is true - it is out there and you have to own it.
Today I think I need to own it. I am scared. Really, truly scared.
My legs hurt so bad at the moment, it is a struggle to walk. I lay in bed at night watching TV to take my mind off of what is happening in my body. I can't sleep, insomnia tortures me night after night. How can your legs feel like they have iced water flowing through them instead of blood and yet your skin is on fire, like someone is pouring boiling water over them? Nerves are a bastard! Anyone who has ever said (usually Doctors) that MS is not painful is off their flipping trolley.
My eye has been twitching non stop now for days. It is a visible twitch, unlike the others in my body so I take small comfort in knowing that other people can see it, that I am not imagining it or going bonkers. It's constantly there, reminding me that something is going on inside of my body that I have no control over.
I am a control freak - this does not sit well with me.
I have my new business - I want to throw my whole self at that. No, correction, I NEED to throw my whole self into it. The "what if" MonSter is there though, in my mind, taunting me all of the time.
"What if this gets worse?"
"What if I can't work?"
"What if, what if, what bloody if?"
I am the "I'm fine" girl but I have to be honest I am really struggling to deal with the symptoms as well as the anger and resentment that goes along with it. I don't really do self pity. I remember realising it was time to stop being a counsellor when a client asked "why me" and I felt like snapping back "why not you?"
I feel like that now. Why me? In truth though, I was right with my client - why not me? There are other people much worse off, I know this in my logical mind. It is just hard today to not think of the people that are BETTER off and feeling envious of their good health. I just saw an advert for the "race for life" - the charity to raise money for cancer. I used to run. USED TO. Now it hurts to walk and I feel so sad and alone. I am not alone, I have my family and many, MANY friends. A lot of them have their own health struggles - they know how I feel and that gives me some comfort but ultimately we ARE alone in our own bodies with our own symptoms.
I felt like I needed to blog today, to put these feelings down in the hopes it would make me feel better but all it is doing it making me feel like a moany, miserable bitch so I will stop now.
I will chalk today up as a bad day, retreat in to my cave and wait for it to pass. It will pass. I have faith in that much at least.
So enough about me, how are YOU?
Long distance hug coming at you OOO ok make that 3 hugs. Don't be scared to let it out once in a while how you really are feeling, sometimes a good cry is what is needed.
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:( MS is never easy.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to vent how you are REALLY feeling, because keeping it inside does a few things. 1) Other's really will never "understand" because invisible symptoms to them are invisible 2)Makes you feel worse.
Every person suffering from MS, regardless of the severity of their MS, deserves to be understood. That includes you!
NO ONE with MS wants to hear "BUT You look soooo good" when in reality they are suffering every minute of every single day. Who wants to hear that?
I can appreciate the honesty about how you are feeling. I hate hearing, "I'm fine" when I know he's not. You will feel better, eventually. Until then, don't feel bad for venting.
The hardest part of this MS thing is the constant state of grief I find myself in. At least weekly I find myself thinking "are you kidding?" How can this disease find something else to take away? It always gets better somehow . You are right about that.
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