The Return of the List

Good Morning Bleeps.

I was thinking yesterday how we forget things. Not just those of us that have cognitive issues and therefore the memory of Dori ( from the Disney movie Finding Nemo) but as Human Beings in general. What do I mean by that? Well, if it wasn't for the ability to forget then I think the world would probably be full of "only children". Let's face it, labour bloody hurts and childbirth isn't something to be taken lightly but yet a lot of us go for a second (or in my case and third and fourth) child.

I remember when I was having my second daughter, Kassidy (now a beautiful 18 year old), my waters broke in the middle of the night and I excitedly toddled off to the hospital. As soon as my first contraction hit it all came flooding back to me and I remember thinking "oh crap, I remember how much this hurts now." Thankfully it was a relatively easy delivery (drug free) and I cherish the memory of that day.

When everything settles down and you get on with your life then the really tough stuff sort of fades into the recesses of your mind. You stop focusing on them because, quite frankly, you don't have to any more. For example, at the moment I am sitting here writing with a tightness around my throat. It feels like a pressure around my windpipe. I used to hate this symptom because it makes me feel like I am being strangled and it panics me slightly. It is usually accompanied with the inability to get enough air into my lungs and as hard as I try, I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like a tight band around my middle.

It occurred to me yesterday that I had forgotten a lot of what happened to me when my symptoms were rampant during the first third of this year. The one thing that has come back to me, that I hadn't even realised had gone, is my list.

I call it my stock list. I wake up and immediately take stock of what is happening in my body. For the first time in MONTHS yesterday I got the electric shock type zingers as I got out of bed and so today I gingerly lowered my feet to the floor and stood up slowly. I used to do this every morning but I had stopped (as the zingers had gone away). Sure enough, the old electric zaps travelled up through the soles of my feet into my legs. I then got my old list out (in my head), blew off the dust and went down it. Hello old friend, it's been a while.

Zingers in my feet. Check.
Arms and fingers tingling. Check.
Legs heavy like full of wet sand. Check.
Left side of my face numb but tingly at the same time. Check.
Pressure in my head. Check.
Blood feels like ice water. Check.
Disoriented / dizzy. Check.

What really stinks is that my real life "to do" list is getting longer and longer as I don't have the energy or focus at the moment that I should have. I am determined to focus today and get a lot of work done. I won't give in to this illness, not today, not ever. I am hoping to put that symptom check list back in its box very, very soon.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

No I Do NOT Want A Hug!

Good Morning Bleeps.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend and are all raring to go on this fine Monday morning, nope me neither. I had a bit of a tingly morning yesterday but it was no big deal, I was relaxing with my Mum while Phil took the girls to the movies and the day was quite low key.

I didn't have much that I needed to do, just prepare the dinner for when they got back, tidy up a little and do some laundry. It isn't like I "over did" or anything but for some reason my MS decided to remind me how much it loves me by giving me a great big hug.

Awww that sounds lovely doesn't it? I mean, who doesn't enjoy a nice hug right? Wrong!

Now I am not entirely sure if this is what they call an MS hug or not since I am being investigated for cardiac issues too but all I do know is that when it takes hold of me it is unbearable. I feel like I am having a heart attack. I have such pain in my chest but worst of all, I can't breathe. I strain and strain to try to suck enough air into my lungs but I just seem to be unable to do so. Sometimes I have pain in my neck and heaviness in my arm so there is always that little voice in my head that says "but what if it isn't an MS Hug, what if it is something wrong with my ticker?"

I get my heart monitor on Wednesday and will wear that for a week. I have somewhere fancy to go on Sunday (a surprise for Phil's birthday that I have planned) so I am worried about trying to disguise it in my slinkly clothes, I am hoping it is discreet. My cardiologist is taking my symptoms seriously and isn't just brushing it under the carpet, he said he would rather rule out anything cardiac than just assume it is MS. I have more faith in him than I do in any of my other doctors, I know I am in good hands. He has said that his gut feeling is that is it NOT my heart so I keep taking comfort from that however it is hard to not freak out when I have chest pain like this. The whole of last night I just couldn't catch my breath.

I felt light-headed and I won't lie, I was slightly panicked by it. Not being able to breathe is scary stuff! Of course a couple of glasses of wine helped me to relax but lets face it, the reality is that alcohol isn't good for my heart either. What is a girl to do? I have read that some Neuros will prescribe Valium for occasions like this, for when one of these hugs takes grip but my Doctor won't prescribe me anything. I am on my own for now with this one (as well as the other symptoms).

I have woken up this morning and feel the same. I still have chest pain and shortness of breath and I sure hope it doesn't last all day because I have another MRI today at 6.15pm. The thought of laying still in that tube with this feeling of not being able to breathe is quite frightening. I usually have to do positive "mind speak" and take myself away to somewhere nice (usually the lovely beach at Fanabe, Tenerife) on a normal day when I have an MRI as I don't like the enclosed feeling of it, I get a little claustrophobic. Last time I asked them if they could give me something to help me calm down but they said no, they weren't allowed. They advised me to go to my Doctor before-hand to get a prescription for something to help me.

I have asked for something to help me relax before from my GP and she said no so I am thinking fat chance however, I have just booked an appointment for this afternoon with a different Doctor (the one that finally took me seriously last year about my symptoms and referred me to the Neurologist and Cardiologist). I am going to DEMAND to be given something to help me, surely they can't just let me deal with this on my own?

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Have A Heart

When I went to my Doctor back in October and had my "you HAVE to help me" meltdown, one of the symptoms I told him about was chest pain and the inability to get enough air into my lungs.

He put me on an ECG monitor, which showed a slight abnormality and it was at that time that he referred me to both a Neurologist (for the other symptoms) and a Cardiologist.

As you may know (if you read my first blog) I paid privately to see the Neuro because I didn't want to wait the three months for an appointment but I waited for the Cardiologist as my gut instinct was that whatever is going on with me was not a heart issue.

I have continued to get the chest pains and shortness of breath but I believe them to be MS Hugs. I asked my Neurologist about this and he seemed reluctant to attribute these symptoms to MS and advised me to keep my Cardio appointment anyway.

I went along to see the Cardiologist yesterday and he did another ECG, which again showed the slight abnormality.  I then asked him his opinion about the kind of chest pain I get and he said that his gut instinct was that the issues I am having are NOT cardiac but he wants to be careful anyway.

I do have high blood pressure and heart disease runs riot in my family on my paternal side so because of this he said he wants to check me over a bit closer than he would "the next person" just to be on the safe side.

He has ordered that I wear an ECG monitor for a week (24 hours a day) and also do a stress test, where they stick you on a treadmill and monitor your heart under exertion.

Now, the 24 hour a day monitoring is a bit daunting because ummmm, well, how do I put this?  Slightly embarrassing but will I have to explain myself when it shows times that my heart rate increased?  If so, Phil is out of luck for a week! Or, do I just take off the monitor and say what?  My heart stopped beating for while? I need to think that one through. ;)

Also another concern is how the heck and I going to do the stress test? I have had one of these before and it was a breeze. I was fit back then and had no symptoms so no big deal, jump on the treadmill and keep up while they make it go faster and faster. I have NO energy right now. None, zip, nada.

I am hoping that the NHS is it's usual self and the appointment takes weeks to come through by which time I will hopefully be feeling better and more up for the job.

Wishful thinking?

So enough about me, how are YOU?