Floating in Denial

Good Morning Bleeps.

What a crap night. I woke up at 3am and that was it, wide awake. Insomnia sucks, doesn't it? I think the worst part for me is laying there in the dark and quiet because my mind starts racing with all the things I am stressed about, right now that is a LOT.

It occurred to me last night that I have been floating down that great Egyptian river - denial!

When I went in for my brain MRI results in December I was fully expecting to be told that there was nothing abnormal to see. After all, when my Neuro thought I had MS when I was in my 20's that is exactly what did happen. I had all sorts of tests leading up to the MRI back then. One was with electrodes all over my body testing my muscles responses to electrical currents and another where the Doc put hot and cold on my shoulder blades, asking me to tell him what I could feel. Those tests were enough for him to send me for the MRI but it was clear.

When my Neuro's secretary called me in December saying the Doctor wanted to see me to discuss my results I just thought it was to put my mind at rest. That was not the case, in fact he showed me all of the white matter on my brain and told me that yes in fact, there were lesions and this was MS.

I was OK with the diagnosis, almost relieved I suppose. Sure I had some up and down moments as you would expect. I was joking about it one minute and crying the next but I was able to take it on board. When I went to see him on the NHS in January (because I was a private patient up until then) as many of you know, he changed my diagnosis back to "probable MS" pending more tests.

I think somewhere between January and now, on some level, I have convinced myself that I do NOT have MS. I have been consumed thinking about the "next step". My mind has been going along the lines of "when I get the negative results next week then I will go back to the GP ... blah blah blah".

It hit me last night that I don't actually know what he will say or what my results are. I have just been assuming. I have been fully expecting the Lumbar Puncture to be clear as well as the spine MRI. I reminded myself last night that I thought that in December too with my brain MRI and it wasn't the case.

What if I go next Thursday and he says that the other tests confirm his original diagnosis? That thought hasn't really been occurring to me, but it would seem that the reality of it has hit me.

I was laying in bed with that feeling of adrenaline rushing through my body, that panic feeling that you get when you think of something awful happening. I haven't felt like this up until now and maybe that is just the body's way of protecting itself. After all, I have had to wait for two months for these results and if I had felt this fear for all that time then surely by now I would have gone completely bonkers.

I really thought I had made my peace with this but actually I haven't at all. If he confirms it is MS then I am going to be a mess. If he tells me it is negative and I am back in limbo I am going to be a mess. Basically I am already a bloody mess. Sure on the outside I am holding it together but if you were to slice me open there are thousands of little Karens running around in circles with their hands in the air, screaming obscenities.

Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

It isn't like it is going to change anything one way or the other. My symptoms aren't going to just disappear one way or the other are they? I don't believe in all of the drugs so I won't be taking any "treatment" other than my vitamins and trying to live somewhat healthy. So, really, does it matter? When I think about it on a conscious level I am able tell myself that it really doesn't. The LABEL doesn't matter or make a difference. On a different level I am shitting my pants. I am genuinely scared and I don't even know why?!

Oh well, one day a time I suppose, my guess is that today is going to be a long one. I wish my sister & my mum lived closer. It is at times like this that I really, REALLY feel the distance between us. It is at times like this when I wish they could just pop over for coffee and give me a hug.

So enough about me, how are YOU?