Sorry its been a while again, I have lost my mojo a bit where my blog is concerned. This is for a couple of reasons. I have been feeling really crap lately and feel like a broken record. I don't know why my symptoms seem to be so bad right now, whether is just "one of those things" or if it is as a direct result of the stress that I have been under.
Also a blog is weird when you think about it. I always used to keep a diary but there was always that tiny voice in the back of my head that would say "be careful what you write, someone might read it". With a blog you HOPE that people have an interest and want to read what you say but then that does open up the conundrum of "self censorship".
It's like recently when I was talking to my Mum on the phone. I had just had a bit of a cry and told her how crap I was feeling. While we were talking my Dad walked over to her desk (they work together) and he asked (I was on speaker) how I was feeling. I answered "fine", my bog standard response these days. My Mum responded with "No you don't, you feel awful, why are you saying that?"
Why DID I say that? What am I supposed to say?
I feel like shit. I am dizzy every day. My body is numb in weird places. My face is numb and my tongue tingles. I feel like I have creepy crawlies under my skin, always. My legs are heavy and I feel like I am walking with concrete boots on. My right arm is heavy and dead. I have muscles that twitch involuntary. My vision is squiffy and I am exhausted every. single. day. I have pressure in my head. It feels like my blood is iced water but my skin feels like it is on fire. Is THAT what I am supposed to say every time someone says "how are you feeling?"
How fu**ing boring!
I am so sick of feeling like shit every day. I am stuck in a miserable cycle of feeling like crap, drinking too much wine and feeling depressed. Statistics show high levels of depression in MS sufferers. I am not surprised. It is a very lonely world. Family and friends mean well but really, they can't possibly understand understand how it feels and I don't expect them too. It just makes me feel very, very alone and very, very sad.
Last week I had a complete melt down because I posted a status on Facebook about being sick of feeling nauseous all of the time. Another MS sufferer asked me if I had heard of Gastroparesis. I hadn't so of course immediately Googled it. Turns out that it can be yet another MS related symptom, the delayed emptying of the stomach resulting in the feeling of sickness. I lost the plot because I thought I knew pretty much anything that could/would happen and to peel yet another layer off the onion that is a chronic illness, well, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally cried my eyes out for hours.
I am back to the hospital tomorrow. Meeting the Urologist to discuss my shrivelled up little kidney. I am so bored with Doctors so part of me can't even be bothered to go. What's the point anyway? It isn't like I have met a Doctor that can give me any answers ... yet!
So there you go, that is me right now. A bit of a miserable cow-bag with way too much on my plate. I need to let go of the stuff I can't control or "fix" as it is making me feel even worse. I have to concentrate on the people that make me happy, ignore the assholes that don't care and keep on keeping on, it's not like I really have a choice is it?
So enough about me, how are YOU?
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