Miss Sexy

Good Morning Bleeps.

The title of today's blog (and in my banner) makes light of MS standing for Miss Sexy. My good friend Jo came up with that when I was diagnosed to make me smile and it worked.

I was recently asked by shift.ms if I wanted to guest blog for them, which of course I said yes to but then I thought to myself "oh wait, that's the community for young people with ms" quickly followed by "Oh what the heck, I am still young" (I dare you to disagree, I have CAP LOCKS and I'm not afraid to use them!) so here I am. 

So how do we view ourselves once we get diagnosed with MS or indeed any chronic illness? I have talked about how other people view us when we are diagnosed but I am wondering if it changes how we see ourselves?


I am quite a vain person in as much as I like to look my best at all times. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those women whose partner has never seen them without make-up, hair in a pony tail or even the occasional leg stubble. However, I won't go out of the front door without my under-eye concealer (all hail Clinique) and mascara (oh ok, and lippy!) because let's face it, that will be the one time that I run into everyone I know. I take pride in how I dress and up until I got sick would be at the gym (or outside running) up to five times a week. My nails are always done and I get my hair coloured the SECOND I get roots. Grey? What grey?!

So what has changed since I was bowled over by this monster? The most obvious is that I don't have the energy (or co-ordination) to exercise right now. I feel like I am losing muscle tone and I have gained weight, it might only be 7lbs but for someone who starts each day by getting on the scale this is a big deal.


I guess I have become a bit of an emotional eater too so combine face-stuffing with sofa-sitting and I am starting to feel like a bit of a sloth.  That's not very sexy is it?

I guess another concern is that I want my lovely partner to still look at me and think "phwoar". I know that he loves me but it is important to me that he still thinks I am sexy. We have talked about this and he (quite rightly) has asked "when have I made you feel like I didn't think you were still sexy?"  He is right. He hasn't changed towards me at all, it is ME that has changed towards me. It is MY fear. I worry that one day he will look at me and think "this isn't the sexpot I met (humour me here will you), this woman can't keep up. I am not talking about swinging from the chandeliers sort of keeping up and let's face it, who the heck has chandeliers anyway? Also, if you did, why would you swing from them? Never did understand that saying.

I told him that I don't feel very attractive right now, that I have gained weight and it makes me feel insecure and plus, let's face it, MS is NOT sexy. I understand the "in sickness and in health" part of relationships but we are not married so he is not contractually obligated to love me in sickness, it would just make him a big fat meanie head if he didn't. The truth is that Phil has been there for me every day, loving me and supporting me and so I have no valid reason for feeling like this other than what is in my own head. My inner demons once again chipping away at my self esteem.

So how do I navigate the way I see myself now that I am unable to do some of the things (for now) that I used to do, like run? This is something that I miss, going to the gym with Phil. It was a thing we did together and it makes me sad when I see him go off to work out on his own.

I sit and question, have I lost the "old me"? Will she ever come back or do I just need to get to know the new and "improved" me? I am still a young woman (again, I dare you!) and I always said I would never "let myself go" and I guess in some ways that is where my insecurities are coming from, the worry that the fact that I am not working out and that I have gained weight could be perceived as letting myself go. I guess that is what my negative mind-speak is saying. So, how can I fight against these inner demons? How do I start to see myself as Miss Sexy rather than Miserable Sausage? I guess this is another thing that I will have to learn as I go, to adjust and learn to like the new me. If any of you MSers already have the secret to this, answers on a postcard please!

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

When I started this blog just over a week ago it was largely for selfish reasons. I wanted to write out my thoughts, feelings and experiences as I faced this challenge head on.  I have been overwhelmed by the fact that it has been read by thousands of people already (seriously, how crazy is that?) and I have had such an outpouring of support and love.  I have had other MSers tell me how it has helped them to read about someone that feels similar to them and I have been very humbled and honoured by the messages.

I have also had a couple of people ask if I am concerned that I might offend other MSers with my sense of humour. I really hadn't considered this as a possibility as I simply write from the heart and from my own experiences. I do use humour to express myself but I am in no way trivialising this awful illness.

Ask any of my friends (going right back to primary school) and they will tell you that I have always been a bit of a clown.  I will be the first person up on the karaoke (even though I am tone deaf - sorry Pixie Lott for killing your songs!) and I will quite often be the girl that makes a complete idiot of herself at a party.

It's just who I am and who I have always been and let me be clear, I have MS but it doesn't have ME.  I won't let it change who I am as a person.

It did get me thinking though that when we are faced with something negative in our lives (and surely a chronic, life-long, possibly life-changing, brain-eating disease with no cure qualifies?) then in my opinion this is the EXACT time that we need to dig deep and try to use our sense of humour. What is the alternative?  Crawl up into a ball in the corner of a room, wailing "it's not fair"?  No thanks.

I wont lie, I have had my moments and I am sure I will have many, MANY more.  I have sat and cried like a baby but it is usually out of frustration that I am feeling weak or I have a new symptom that makes me wonder if the rouge soldiers in my brain have launched a new attack.  Then it is time to dry the tears, take a deep breath and carry on with a smile.

When I came up with my T-Shirt idea of "It's Not Merlot, it's MS", my partner Phil said he would get a T-Shirt to wear at the same time that reads; "I'm with the Drunk".  I couldn't stop laughing at the visual I got of us both wearing those shirts.  I supposed there might be some people that might not "get" our sense of humour or our ability to make jokes at a "time like this" but actually it is the jokes and laughter that have kept me from sinking into a very dark place.

I read an article that said statistics show that 75% of MSers suffer from depression.  That is awful but I can understand why, it can be a very lonely disease.  They say that you don't "get" MS until you GET MS and that is why I am trying my best, through sharing my own experiences to raise awareness.


So, I leave you with this little poem that I threw together (hope you enjoy):

Tingle tingle on my tongue,
Please go away, it isnt fun.
Twitchy twitchy little toes,
When will it stop?  nobody knows.

Feeling numb all in my feet,
Makes it hard to feel the street.
I stumble left, I wobble right,
I must look drunk, a funny sight.

MSers listen, one and all,
There is an upside after all.
You forget a birthday or a date,
It's your disease, they cannot hate.

So keep your chin up, soldier on,
Or else this illness will have won.
Keep on smiling, you know its right,
Don't let it beat you, fight the fight!


One of my friends recently said I could be the "Carrie Bradshaw of MS" and what a great compliment although to be fair, if I bought myself a pair of Manolo Blahnik or Jimmy Choos I would probably just fall on my bum!

So enough about me, how are YOU?