The title of today's blog (and in my banner) makes light of MS standing for Miss Sexy. My good friend Jo came up with that when I was diagnosed to make me smile and it worked.
I was recently asked by shift.ms if I wanted to guest blog for them, which of course I said yes to but then I thought to myself "oh wait, that's the community for young people with ms" quickly followed by "Oh what the heck, I am still young" (I dare you to disagree, I have CAP LOCKS and I'm not afraid to use them!) so here I am.
I was recently asked by shift.ms if I wanted to guest blog for them, which of course I said yes to but then I thought to myself "oh wait, that's the community for young people with ms" quickly followed by "Oh what the heck, I am still young" (I dare you to disagree, I have CAP LOCKS and I'm not afraid to use them!) so here I am.
So how do we view ourselves once we get diagnosed with MS or indeed any chronic illness? I have talked about how other people view us when we are diagnosed but I am wondering if it changes how we see ourselves?
I am quite a vain person in as much as I like to look my best at all times. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those women whose partner has never seen them without make-up, hair in a pony tail or even the occasional leg stubble. However, I won't go out of the front door without my under-eye concealer (all hail Clinique) and mascara (oh ok, and lippy!) because let's face it, that will be the one time that I run into everyone I know. I take pride in how I dress and up until I got sick would be at the gym (or outside running) up to five times a week. My nails are always done and I get my hair coloured the SECOND I get roots. Grey? What grey?!
I am quite a vain person in as much as I like to look my best at all times. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those women whose partner has never seen them without make-up, hair in a pony tail or even the occasional leg stubble. However, I won't go out of the front door without my under-eye concealer (all hail Clinique) and mascara (oh ok, and lippy!) because let's face it, that will be the one time that I run into everyone I know. I take pride in how I dress and up until I got sick would be at the gym (or outside running) up to five times a week. My nails are always done and I get my hair coloured the SECOND I get roots. Grey? What grey?!
So what has changed since I was bowled over by this monster? The most obvious is that I don't have the energy (or co-ordination) to exercise right now. I feel like I am losing muscle tone and I have gained weight, it might only be 7lbs but for someone who starts each day by getting on the scale this is a big deal.
I guess I have become a bit of an emotional eater too so combine face-stuffing with sofa-sitting and I am starting to feel like a bit of a sloth. That's not very sexy is it?
I guess I have become a bit of an emotional eater too so combine face-stuffing with sofa-sitting and I am starting to feel like a bit of a sloth. That's not very sexy is it?
I guess another concern is that I want my lovely partner to still look at me and think "phwoar". I know that he loves me but it is important to me that he still thinks I am sexy. We have talked about this and he (quite rightly) has asked "when have I made you feel like I didn't think you were still sexy?" He is right. He hasn't changed towards me at all, it is ME that has changed towards me. It is MY fear. I worry that one day he will look at me and think "this isn't the sexpot I met (humour me here will you), this woman can't keep up. I am not talking about swinging from the chandeliers sort of keeping up and let's face it, who the heck has chandeliers anyway? Also, if you did, why would you swing from them? Never did understand that saying.
I told him that I don't feel very attractive right now, that I have gained weight and it makes me feel insecure and plus, let's face it, MS is NOT sexy. I understand the "in sickness and in health" part of relationships but we are not married so he is not contractually obligated to love me in sickness, it would just make him a big fat meanie head if he didn't. The truth is that Phil has been there for me every day, loving me and supporting me and so I have no valid reason for feeling like this other than what is in my own head. My inner demons once again chipping away at my self esteem.
So how do I navigate the way I see myself now that I am unable to do some of the things (for now) that I used to do, like run? This is something that I miss, going to the gym with Phil. It was a thing we did together and it makes me sad when I see him go off to work out on his own.
I sit and question, have I lost the "old me"? Will she ever come back or do I just need to get to know the new and "improved" me? I am still a young woman (again, I dare you!) and I always said I would never "let myself go" and I guess in some ways that is where my insecurities are coming from, the worry that the fact that I am not working out and that I have gained weight could be perceived as letting myself go. I guess that is what my negative mind-speak is saying. So, how can I fight against these inner demons? How do I start to see myself as Miss Sexy rather than Miserable Sausage? I guess this is another thing that I will have to learn as I go, to adjust and learn to like the new me. If any of you MSers already have the secret to this, answers on a postcard please!
I sit and question, have I lost the "old me"? Will she ever come back or do I just need to get to know the new and "improved" me? I am still a young woman (again, I dare you!) and I always said I would never "let myself go" and I guess in some ways that is where my insecurities are coming from, the worry that the fact that I am not working out and that I have gained weight could be perceived as letting myself go. I guess that is what my negative mind-speak is saying. So, how can I fight against these inner demons? How do I start to see myself as Miss Sexy rather than Miserable Sausage? I guess this is another thing that I will have to learn as I go, to adjust and learn to like the new me. If any of you MSers already have the secret to this, answers on a postcard please!
So enough about me, how are YOU?
I totally understand the feeling. Being sick isn't sexy. I'm a personal trainer and when I had my first attack, I lost 10 pounds in two weeks. It was all my muscle that I had worked so hard for. I felt so unattractive, but my husband was the same way- totally supportive and reassuring that I was still sexy. By changing my expectation for myself at the gym and not letting myself get frustrated, I've found lots of new exercises that I can do and have regained most of my muscle.
ReplyDeleteThank you for these words of encouragement. I have decided that I will try to go back to the gym this week. I have to at least try, even if it means walking on the treadmill instead of running (which will be a killer). I have to try to focus on what I can do, rather than what I cant right now.
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Excellent post. I'm not involved with anyone now. I think it is only fair that if I start dating someone, I should tell them soon into the dating that I have MS. Who would sign up for an uncertain life with someone with MS? I feel as though I must accept that I will always be alone.
ReplyDeleteJean, I think you may be surprised. I think sometimes it is our own fears that we project on to the other person when actually there are a lot of good people out there that wont care about your ms, they will care about YOU. Dont let ms stop you from getting out there and being open to relationships if that is what you want.
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I agree. I use to push myself so much and accomplished so much more than I can now.. Now I have to select what I think I can do on a daily basis. This is sometimes not an easy task while trying to run a restaurant and take care of a large family. I always look back to the days where I could work ten hours then work out and come home and cook and clean.. It's hard to except that I can't do those things anymore and I believe sometimes we are our worst critics instead of focusing on all our positive things that we have. We need to remember that we are still just as special as we were before,and to try to be gentle to ourselves. Sometimes life just sucks! But, we are worthy of love. And we our still capable of being here for our friends and family. That is the greatest gift.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, it is about adjusting our expectations of ourselves. I need to learn this. I focus on what I cant do instead of slowly trying to learn what I can do right now. I am blessed to have my friends and family and yes, they are my biggest gift. xx
DeleteTo start with exercise is difficult. I didn't do anything for 3 months. But it does get easier, you can't do as much as the old you but gradually acceptance comes. Forget about the old you, think of it like you're on a whole new journey to discover you again. How fun is that? Now imagine a David Attenborough voice here. lol
ReplyDeleteToday, for example I am limping along like an old man again but I still went for my walk, albeit slowly. Afterwards I feel better but more importantly I walk better. My legs feel like they are wading through a giant vat of sticky honey and at times they buckle but less so after my moderate walk. Too much exercise and I am cactus!
So it is about finding that balance. In terms of sexiness MS can be a big killer for the blokes with MS because it affects the ....you know what. So, now I still pester my luscious wife but not as frequently and the whole experience is different. I think I'll stop now.
Developing MS has been a blessing for me to discover balance and acceptance in all areas of my life. I wish you all the very best in discovering yours and hearing of your progress.
Alex, You do make me smile!
DeleteThank you for sharing with yet again such honesty and openness. You inspire me to be better and that means a lot to me.
I am going to try to get to the gym this weekend, even if it is just for a slow walk on the treadmill or maybe a swim. Something is better than nothing.
I wish it was warmer outside so that I could just go for a walk!
Thanks again for your support of both me and my blog journey. xx