Warning: Emotional Wreck Ahead!

Good Morning Bleeps.

I don't know where to start today, I am completely and utterly hacked off. Yesterday I told you about my great day (the previous day) and how I was able to do lots around the house without feeling tired at all. Well, let me tell you that what the Universe gave me with one hand, it punched me right in the smacker with the other. Yesterday was AWFUL.

I woke up feeling OK, nothing out of the ordinary just the usual feelings of fatigue and some tingling. Then as the morning went on I realised that I was starting to lose feeling in my leg. My left thigh had gone completely numb. It is not unusual for me to have heavy legs with what feels like growing pains (x100) but this was different, something new. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE NEW! Do you hear me Universe? Stop taking the piss.

Emotionally I was a wreck. My friend Gill phoned to tell me a funny story about her other half. He had told her that her car wasn't reversing and that the clutch had gone. She called the RAC to get help but the mechanic couldn't find anything wrong with the car. It turned out that he had been trying to reverse her car by putting it in 6th gear, what a numpty (he won't live that down for a while). Her story made me chuckle but then as soon as she asked the fatal words of "how are you today", I burst into tears. She listened patiently (as she always does) offering her support but boy did I feel like a pathetic idiot when I got off the phone, why was I letting this thing get to me so much?

I decided to shake it off, take a shower and get over myself. So I had a numb leg, so what, right? No biggie, I can deal with it especially when there are others out there dealing with a lot worse. Man up! I couldn't be bothered to do make-up, style my hair or even shave my legs (not like me at all) so it was sweatpants and a ponytail.

I came downstairs to a phone call from my Mum. More tears. Really? REALLY Karen? For goodness sake woman, why was I not able to keep a lid on my emotions? What the heck? Who was this whack job? MS: 2 - Karen: 0.

I made myself another cup of coffee (because on top of everything I am trying to lose the 10lbs I have put on from comfort eating and so have put myself on a very unhealthy coffee only diet) and tried to shake it off. I faffed around on Twitter (which I have a sudden addiction to) and FaceBook and then my lovely sister called. BAM, round three of crying like a baby. It was starting to get embarrassing now. Seriously chick, pull yourself together. MS: 3 - Karen: 0.

OK that was it, I was all cried out. I was exhausted from it all. I decided to say FUMS, you are not going to beat me.  Was it wine o'clock yet?

I had a diversion in the afternoon when the plumber arrived to fix our downstairs loo. He hadn't been here long when all of a sudden the house was filled a terrible smell. When I went down to investigate he told me how had needed to remove the whole toilet to get to the pipes, the smell of drains was disgusting. Suddenly the smell in the house was matching how I was feeling. Like sh!t.

Phil arrived home and I was telling him about the plumbing and I guess he sensed that all was not well and asked "bad day?" Yup you've guessed it, MORE tears. I broke down for the forth time in one day, pathetic. I told him that I feel like a broken record and that people will stop wanting to call me or talk to me if all I do is cry.

He reassured me, hugged me and was his usual supportive self, rubbing my back as I cried like a fool. I poured myself a rather large glass of wine (sod the liver) and started to relax, the rest of the evening was tear free (probably run out).

This morning I have cried some more. Luckily Phil has left for work but I apologised to Kassidy for being so emotional. She is so supportive and such a sweetheart and she said "Mum, you only got diagnosed in December, this is all still very new. I would think you were weird if you wasn't upset now and then".  She went on to say that this was a life changing thing so of course I will have down days. Down days? I feel like I have had down WEEKS.

I feel angry, resentful and basically pissed of with the world. I really need to find a way to deal with this better, some days I think I am doing really well and then like a wave it hits me and I am back at square one. I am told that this is all part of the grieving process and as trained counsellor I can intellectualise it and recognise it but I don't want to feel it any more.

Maybe I am swinging between the anger, denial and sadness parts of the grieving process. I sure as heck am nowhere near acceptance. I think I will ignore the phone today, it isn't fair to friends and family to keep burdening them with this. It is ME that has MS, not them.

So I guess in a nutshell, MS is kicking my emotional bum at the moment but even though I may be down, I am not OUT.

So enough about me, how are YOU?