Warning: Emotional Wreck Ahead!

Good Morning Bleeps.

I don't know where to start today, I am completely and utterly hacked off. Yesterday I told you about my great day (the previous day) and how I was able to do lots around the house without feeling tired at all. Well, let me tell you that what the Universe gave me with one hand, it punched me right in the smacker with the other. Yesterday was AWFUL.

I woke up feeling OK, nothing out of the ordinary just the usual feelings of fatigue and some tingling. Then as the morning went on I realised that I was starting to lose feeling in my leg. My left thigh had gone completely numb. It is not unusual for me to have heavy legs with what feels like growing pains (x100) but this was different, something new. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE NEW! Do you hear me Universe? Stop taking the piss.

Emotionally I was a wreck. My friend Gill phoned to tell me a funny story about her other half. He had told her that her car wasn't reversing and that the clutch had gone. She called the RAC to get help but the mechanic couldn't find anything wrong with the car. It turned out that he had been trying to reverse her car by putting it in 6th gear, what a numpty (he won't live that down for a while). Her story made me chuckle but then as soon as she asked the fatal words of "how are you today", I burst into tears. She listened patiently (as she always does) offering her support but boy did I feel like a pathetic idiot when I got off the phone, why was I letting this thing get to me so much?

I decided to shake it off, take a shower and get over myself. So I had a numb leg, so what, right? No biggie, I can deal with it especially when there are others out there dealing with a lot worse. Man up! I couldn't be bothered to do make-up, style my hair or even shave my legs (not like me at all) so it was sweatpants and a ponytail.

I came downstairs to a phone call from my Mum. More tears. Really? REALLY Karen? For goodness sake woman, why was I not able to keep a lid on my emotions? What the heck? Who was this whack job? MS: 2 - Karen: 0.

I made myself another cup of coffee (because on top of everything I am trying to lose the 10lbs I have put on from comfort eating and so have put myself on a very unhealthy coffee only diet) and tried to shake it off. I faffed around on Twitter (which I have a sudden addiction to) and FaceBook and then my lovely sister called. BAM, round three of crying like a baby. It was starting to get embarrassing now. Seriously chick, pull yourself together. MS: 3 - Karen: 0.

OK that was it, I was all cried out. I was exhausted from it all. I decided to say FUMS, you are not going to beat me.  Was it wine o'clock yet?

I had a diversion in the afternoon when the plumber arrived to fix our downstairs loo. He hadn't been here long when all of a sudden the house was filled a terrible smell. When I went down to investigate he told me how had needed to remove the whole toilet to get to the pipes, the smell of drains was disgusting. Suddenly the smell in the house was matching how I was feeling. Like sh!t.

Phil arrived home and I was telling him about the plumbing and I guess he sensed that all was not well and asked "bad day?" Yup you've guessed it, MORE tears. I broke down for the forth time in one day, pathetic. I told him that I feel like a broken record and that people will stop wanting to call me or talk to me if all I do is cry.

He reassured me, hugged me and was his usual supportive self, rubbing my back as I cried like a fool. I poured myself a rather large glass of wine (sod the liver) and started to relax, the rest of the evening was tear free (probably run out).

This morning I have cried some more. Luckily Phil has left for work but I apologised to Kassidy for being so emotional. She is so supportive and such a sweetheart and she said "Mum, you only got diagnosed in December, this is all still very new. I would think you were weird if you wasn't upset now and then".  She went on to say that this was a life changing thing so of course I will have down days. Down days? I feel like I have had down WEEKS.

I feel angry, resentful and basically pissed of with the world. I really need to find a way to deal with this better, some days I think I am doing really well and then like a wave it hits me and I am back at square one. I am told that this is all part of the grieving process and as trained counsellor I can intellectualise it and recognise it but I don't want to feel it any more.

Maybe I am swinging between the anger, denial and sadness parts of the grieving process. I sure as heck am nowhere near acceptance. I think I will ignore the phone today, it isn't fair to friends and family to keep burdening them with this. It is ME that has MS, not them.

So I guess in a nutshell, MS is kicking my emotional bum at the moment but even though I may be down, I am not OUT.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

You Are Invited

To my pity party.  Mood swing alert!  Has anyone seen my sense of humour?  I seem to have mislaid it this morning. Anyone that has been reading my blogs (thank you) may have noticed that I am trying my best to "soldier on" with a smile (and a laugh) and not be dragged down by this thing but let me tell you that today I am finding this really tough.

Yesterday afternoon I lost my right arm.  Not in a "where did you last have it" sort of way but it just went "dead" on me.  I kept feeling like I needed to stretch it out or shake it.  It felt like someone had filled it with lead and at the same time like ice cold water was being poured up and down inside.  This was a new feeling, another symptom to add to the list.

I decided to shove this horrible sensation to the back of my mind because I had arranged to go see my lovely friend for a coffee and catch-up. I excitedly told her about my blog and how I was determined to keep positive and happy.  She listened thoughtfully (as she always does) and then she asked me if maybe it hadn't really sunk in.  She knows me quite well and can read me like a book most times and she commented that while she thinks it is great that I am keeping my chin up, she wondered if maybe "somewhere" I was still hoping or expecting the doctor to tell me that this was all a big mistake and that I don't really have MS.  Rather than tell her she was wrong or off-base, I sat and thought about it for about two whole seconds and then I started to cry.

There I was all, "I am so cool about this, in fact I am enjoying my blog and this could be a whole new thing in my life" (which is partly true) but then once again it hit me that actually this SUCKS.  I don't want MS.  I want to return it but can't find the receipt.  Where are the ctrl, alt, delete buttons for this thing?

Today I have woken up (after another night of tossing, turning and hardly any sleep) with my arm still heavy like lead.  I am seeing my Neurologist this morning for the first time since my diagnosis and I am going armed with a list of questions and new symptoms with the hope that he will start me on my treatment.

I don't know the protocol of how this all works, I guess today is the day that I will find out.


So I guess this is a bit of a reality check in as much as I won't always be able to smile on this roller coaster and I will have the occasional pity party (cue music; "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to").

I SO don't want to be a "Donny Downer" as I have had so many people tell me how they admire my positive attitude but I guess I am just a mere mortal after all (boy, is that disappointing to realise) and today I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.

So enough about me, how are YOU?

Tingle Tingle Litte TEETH?

So last night I was all cuddled up in my bed, warm under the duvet when I was rudely woken up by my lower limbs.

Yup, my toes had decided to go to a party without permission and had stated twitching and my legs were trying to keep them under control by making themselves as heavy as they possibly could to hold them from leaving on their own.

As I lay there willing for these sensations to stop so that I could go back to sleep (despite the gale force winds outside) I realised that actually it wasn't just my legs that were being naughty it was my whole body.

My arms felt heavy and my finger tips were getting mini electric shock type sensations. My face was numb and my lips and tongue were tingling too.  These feelings are nothing new but then I had the most peculiar feeling that my TEETH were tingling.

Teeth can't tingle though can they?

I think maybe I was just over-tired or maybe it was nerves in my gums having their own little boogie around their handbags (wow, check me out showing my age - do people still dance around their handbags?) but it felt so weird.

So it's fair to say that I will need extra coffee today due to lack of sleep (especially since it is officially my first day back working after the Yuletide Season) but my teeth feel weird for sure this morning.  I think they have a hangover from all that dancing!

So enough about me, how are YOU?

x