PMS

Good Morning Bleeps.

So who else woke up to snow? Sure, it is pretty but for me the novelty wears off really fast. I don't want to go out in it and I refuse to drive as soon as three flakes hit the ground, so for me it is totally inconvenient. I have a friend who lives in Colorado where they get a ton of snow and I just don't know how she deals with it. We grew up together in South Florida and I am definitely a flip-flop kind of girl. Luckily it is Sunday today and we have nowhere we need to be, there is food in the cupboards and wine in the fridge so I will just stay in the warm and hope it is gone by tomorrow.

I am feeling fed up today. Not because of the snow but because of PMS. It is well known (and joked about  by many men!) that some women get grumpy once a month. When I lived in America it was referred to as PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) but here in the UK it is called PMT (pre-menstrual tension). I hear all you men saying "what the heck is she talking about THAT for?" but I am using the American version to describe how I am feeling today, which is PMS; Pissed off with MS!

You may have noticed that I didn't blog yesterday. I did actually write one but felt it wasn't appropriate to publish. It went something like this:

Good Morning Bleeps.

I feel like sh!t.

The End.

Phil said I should publish it anyway as it accurately described exactly my frame of mind however, I like to have a bit more content in my blogs. Friday night was bad. I woke up at about 2am with the worst chest pains I have had in a while. I also had pain in my neck, jaw and my arm was heavy. Was I having a heart attack? Did I call for an ambulance, go the emergency room or even wake up Phil? No, I decided to update my Facebook status instead (like you do). I guess somewhere deep down my instincts were that I was NOT having a heart attack but I was in a lot of pain.

As I chatted back and forth to some of my friends on the other side of the pond as well as my friend Gill, (who I can usually count on being present in Insomniaville as we have named it) the pain slowly subsided and I finally drifted back to sleep at around 5am.

I am not sure what is causing me to have these chest pains. As I have discussed already, my Cardiologist doesn't feel like they are heart issues but he is testing me anyway (I am getting fitted with a monitoring device next week). Could this be MS Hugs? A friend suggested that my subconscious might be going crazy and these are actually anxiety attacks that I am waking up with. I don't know, all I know is that it hurts and it scares me.

Yesterday I was super, SUPER tetchy. You know how sometimes you just want to kill people for no apparent reason? I was being snappy (Phil even commented on how tetchy I was) but I couldn't seem to control it (although I did acknowledge and apologise for it). I was fed up, tired and in pain. I didn't even want to go out for an Indian meal and you all know how much I love my Indian food. I just couldn't be bothered.

Last night I slept better. I did wake up in the night but I refused to pick up my iPhone or be tempted by my Kindle. I knew I would be awake for hours if I did. This morning I am frustrated and I can feel myself being short tempered again.

Did you ever have that feeling where you just want to cry for no apparent reason? In my case, I know the reason. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I feel like a broken record. I want to throw myself on the floor and have a temper tantrum like a two year old. I want to break stuff (but I don't want to clear it up), I want to drink wine (but is only 11am and that isn't the answer), I want to eat junk food (but this sort of comfort eating is why I am gaining weight), I want to find the bloody answer.

I am really trying to not be snappy but my body is testing my patience. I can't feel my left arm, it is heavy, feels like it doesn't belong to my body and as though ice-cold water has replace the blood. My face is numb and my legs are heavy and throbbing. I quite simply want to lock myself in a room, all alone and just feel sorry for myself. I know this isn't productive so I am really trying to not be overcome with my PMS. I feel frustrated and angry. This thing makes me feel lonely. I don't know why and it is really hard to explain. I can tell my family about my symptoms and they can support me as they always do but ultimately it is just me and these horrible sensations. Ultimately, I am alone in this even when surrounded by those that love me.

As I lay in bed last night I had that ice pick feeling in my head again. It always freaks me out a little bit as I can't help but wonder, is it more lesions forming in my brain? What's going on in there? I joked to my Mum that at least MS isn't boring as it changes from day-to-day. I don't feel like joking about it today, today I resent it.

I want this bloody thing GONE. I want to wake up and feel OK, I want to remember what that feels like. I want my life back. My friend Beatrice suffers with Sjogren Syndrome and I had a lovely visit with her Friday. I spoke to her about my frustration and she said that I will come to accept it (I think we both agreed that I am still in denial) and that I will start to appreciate the good days. She has had her illness for many years and so she knows how it is to be where I am now (new and in the thick of it) and so I will trust what she says, I know she wouldn't lie to me or tell me just what she thinks I want to hear. I am grateful for her.

I am not it the right place in my head today to be glad of the symptoms that are NOT here such as the vision problems or the dizziness, my glass is half empty today. I have serious PMS!

Poor Phil is captive in a house surrounded by snow with a miserable cow bag who is feeling seriously sorry for herself (that's me in case there was still any doubt ha ha). It's a times like this that I think one of those punching bags might be a good idea so I can thump out my anger (although today I wouldn't be able to because of my sodding arm!). Instead I will just try to put my mind somewhere else, this is a psychological game a lot of the time and I won't let this invisible monster win even though today it seems to be holding the best cards.

So enough about me, how are YOU?