The Kaleidoscope

Morning Bleeps.

If you caught yesterday's blog you will be aware that I was already struggling with fatigue (and a sprinkling of self pity). I had work to do but yet struggled to get off the couch and into the shower before Noon, it was definitely a bad day.

When I asked the Universe if the day could get worse, I don't think it realised that it was a rhetorical question and it decided to answer with a resounding YES!

I have had visual disturbances for a few years now. I  have been to get my eyes checked and explained to the optician what is going on but my eye tests have always been ok. The only thing that my last one showed was that I had Diplopia, caused by impaired function of the extraocular muscles. This basically means that whilst both of my eyes are still functional they struggle to converge to target the desired object. Basically, lazy muscles resulting in blurred or double vision. From my research I understand that it can be an early symptom of MS without people realising it.

Phil sometimes tells me off because I don't wear the glasses that the Optician prescribed but you see, they don't really help and to be honest the pressure on the bridge of my nose (even though they are super light) gives me a bit of a headache. I explained this to him (again) the other day but got a reply of "yes but they make you look like a sexy secretary". Now I see why he nags, oh, and no secretary for him at his office in the future unless vetted for an appropriate amount of ugly and non-sexy by me! Ha!

Another problem I get with my eyes is pain. Mainly my left eye, it feels like someone is literally squeezing my eyeball from behind although I get some light relief if I push back on it (sounds gross but it does help).

This has been it as far as visual disturbance up to this point. Sometimes painful, sometimes disconcerting but never debilitating. Until Yesterday, thanks Universe!

I was on my laptop when I realised that as I was typing words, I was only able to see some of the letters from each word. Literally my sentences were looking like this: w y the he k am I l  ing le te s? (why the heck am I losing letters?)

I squeezed my eyes shut, shook my head and when I opened them expected for all the letters to be back again. Nope. Try again. No, sight still squiffy and messed up.

OK, deep breath, don't panic.

Then slowly but surely the most peculiar thing started to happen. I will try to explain it in the best way I can but since I am still trying to make sense of it myself I might struggle. Do you remember playing with those kaleidoscope toys as a child? Where you look down the tube and twist the end and all the coloured beads would turn and change shape? Now imagine there was no colour but instead really bright, white lights spinning really fast around the perimeter of your vision. That is what was happening to me.

I could sort of see through the middle of it but not enough to able to function. The short video below is the closest thing I can find to almost describe what was happening, although there were no dark (black) colours, it was just all bright, white light.



After a while I lost the plot and called Phil in floods of tears, asking him to pick the girls up from school as there was no way I could drive. I can admit with no shame that I was panicking. I know that visual disturbances are all part of MS but this was the first time that I was having a symptom that was stopping me in my tracks. Phil comforted me over the phone, told me to close the curtains, shut my eyes and try to calm down. I was sobbing "but I can't see". He reasurred me "it will be ok, just try to relax and I will be home soon".

I took a deep breath, closed the curtain and lay down in the darkness willing for it to go away. I called my sister crying and feel terrible that I made her cry too. I feel bad about that as she is dealing with the loss of a very close loved-one and doesn't need psycho-sister freaking out down the phone. Sorry sis!

It didn't last very long thankfully and my vision slowly returned leaving in it's wake a headache and usual throbbing of my left eye but nothing I couldn't handle.

I am hoping that it was a one off experience as it was scary as hell. Honestly, I take most things on the chin (I might moan or complain as we all know by now) but this had me once again questioning why my body is rebelling in this way. What ELSE was happening in my brain yesterday? Was it a new lesion happening or just one of the old ones "acting out"?

I feel like my body is a school and my symptoms are the students. It seems that just when I think I have called the register (role call) on all my symptoms and they appear to be present and correct, a new kid joins the class. Well thanks body but this class is FULL. No more symptoms allowed thank you very much. Hopefully the eyeball kaleidoscope was just an "exchange student" and has gone back to wherever it came from (for good).

So enough about me, how are YOU?