A few times this week it has been implied that all I do all day long is sit on the sofa (in fact, it has actually been said this week; twice!) and I am getting sick of it.
Yeah OK so I sit on my arse on the sofa but WITH A LAPTOP - WORKING!!!
What about the millions of people that, right now, are sitting on their bums in front of a computer, doing what they do, in an office in London, Manchester, Canterbury or where ever they work? What makes them different to me? Location? The suit? Commuting? The lunch hour with colleagues?
OK so some days I sit and talk to clients on the phone in my PJs but they don't know that. I am still getting the job done, whether it is a website or a brochure.
I also write this blog (obviously) and I have started my first novel. So you see, as much as some people might think that I just sit and eat chocolate, file my nails and watch daytime TV, the reality is much different.
Granted I also used to also balance that with photography (you can see my work at www.tinymoments.co.uk ) but am not accepting new jobs right now as it is so physical and I don't know from day to day if I will be too dizzy to drive or have the energy. I actually feel SAD about this, I feel the loss of not being able to do something I love. Some people need to stop and think before they make stupid, hurtful comments. I don't need to be made to feel worse about myself than I already do, I am already struggling with my self worth since getting ill.
Now don't get me wrong, if I ever win the lottery I will be singing from the rooftops that this shop is closed. I won't be one of those people that say if they win the lottery "they would still work, blah blah blah". Frig that! I will be horizontal on a beach somewhere, sipping sangria and I will be making no apologies for it.
As you can probably tell I am really frustrated. I think it is because I am pushing through pain to keep on working when all I really want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. When you are putting all of your energy trying to keep going, even with pain in your gut that feels like you are being stabbed and someone makes a dumb comment, well it is a bloody insult.
I guess I shouldn't really give a crap but I am feeling sensitive right now. I don't need other people making me feel like I am lazy when that is the very last thing that I am. Sure, I won't lie, I am struggling to juggle it all (work and home) especially since my cleaning company let me down and trust me when I say there isn't a line of people in my house volunteering to clean the bog! I am exhausted all the bloody time but I don't WANT to feel like this.
NEW FLASH: I want to wake up full of energy and NOT feel like shit on a stick every day. I'd love to bounce around my house like Mary Flipping Poppins, working, cleaning and being super woman. If any of you know how I can achieve this then please, let me know!
So today I am pissed off, you might want to approach with caution (or wine!).
So enough about me, how are YOU?
bottle of red is it lol dont let them get you down i know how you feel i had to give up my job 2 years ago and am still unable to work (more like no-one wants to give me a job bloody MS) i feel guilty for not working although i know most days i would not be able to but i am not lazing at home all day doing nothing having the tribe i do always cleaning washing or something to do i wish i could get rid of the guilt sometimes. ..as from today things are going to be hectic till wednesday as i have my 2 stepchildren staying as well as my 3 omg i must be mad as chris is still working anyway hun keep smiling babe dont let them get you down the sun is shining and so are you xxx ps have you read the book ME AND MY SHADOW by carole mackie just started reading it its great so far xxx
ReplyDeleteHi, Your photos are brilliant . I read your blog cause I love the fact that I am not the only one to enjoy the odd glass of wine or should I say in my case the regular glass of wine, regardless of the MS, my excuse is I wobble anyway why not.I too have 4 kids , 2 home from Uni and as of today 2 off school .
ReplyDeleteTake care Julie X
I totally understand how u r feeling! It is very hurtful especially when its an ignorant family member saying it. I'm not LAZY I'm friggin EXHAUSTED!!!! Some days I wake up tired. Do they think we enjoy layin in bed and sleeping half the day away? NO WE DON'T!!!!!! We want to be out in this crazy world breathing fresh air and enjoying our lives. So for the days God graces me with the ability to do so I take full advantage of it. If I need to sleep cause my body said so... yes I said MY BODY said so cause it does than that's what I do. No one is promissed a tomorrow so screw all the ignorant bastards and live ur life the way u see fit... afterall it is ur life... isn't it??!! Karen I hope u have a good day and thank u for having this blog and giving us a place to vent. A place where we all understand eachother. Xoxoxoxoxo
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ReplyDeleteWe haven't met, but I feel the need to tell you that I love you.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to your emails, ok they are blog posts for everyone, buy I think of them as emails, and they make me feel normal. Not like the "regulars", but like someone understands the battle for a diagnosis, being blown off by doctors, family, friends and past co-workers because there really isn't anything wrong with me. Right, I wake up in pain and number because I'm a nut-job. At any rate, it pains me to see you being treated so poorly lately. I hope the weekend brings you peace, wine and a pain free period to enjoy your lovely family.
Hugs, very gentle hugs,
Angie